


A Tale of Memes

by solidpaz



Category: Metal Gear, Shrek Series, Star Wars - All Media Types, Tomb Raider & Related Fandoms, Tomb Raider (Video Game)
Genre: Crack Crossover, Crossover, FABBY, Gen, Metal Gear - Freeform, habbo, metal gear solid - Freeform, rathian, sithlord jar jar, usdf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-26 21:51:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7591717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solidpaz/pseuds/solidpaz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summer. The birds chirping their upbeat tunes, backed by the sounds of laughter and cheerful yells of children. Lowering my copy of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, the novel, I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath of the fresh air. Breathing out again, I slowly opened my eyes, rotating my head around what was truly an inexplicably beautiful sight. The park was neither full nor empty, the people in it so engaged in what activates they were doing they seemed almost oblivious to the time passing; lost in their joy. Maybe envious at their community spirit, I looked down, just thinking about how I still hadn’t made any friends yet in this gleeful neighbourhood.</p><p>The world as we know it may not be quite as at peace as we thought. Like what the fuck, dragons?</p><p>lmao just an in-joke shitfic for my friends but yolo who knows someone might wanna read it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What the fuck

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a shitfic but if you wanna read, know the end is a right downer and just really bad.  
> I mean, if I get enough requests I'll rewrite the end, but that's if anyone reads it in the first place lmao.  
> Have fun!!

Summer. The birds chirping their upbeat tunes, backed by the sounds of laughter and cheerful yells of children. Lowering my copy of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, the novel, I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath of the fresh air. Breathing out again, I slowly opened my eyes, rotating my head around what was truly an inexplicably beautiful sight. The park was neither full nor empty, the people in it so engaged in what activates they were doing they seemed almost oblivious to the time passing; lost in their joy. Maybe envious at their community spirit, I looked down, just thinking about how I still hadn’t made any friends yet in this gleeful neighbourhood.

“Hey! Give that back”, I heard a familiar voice yell. I thrust my head to the right, quizzically scanning for the speaker.   
“But it’s pinapel … I’m thirsty”, a reply sprung from the same direction. I started leaning over there now, I just could not find who was having such a stupid argument.

Suddenly, I got a view of them. A tall girl, who was honestly so ripped I can’t actually explain to you how much of her was muscle cause it was well over 90%, like seriously she had an 8-pack, loomed over a crouched kid, notably with short, dark hair wearing a bright blue shirt that I – I’m not sure if I read it right as that was the only time I got a good look at it – was sure said “I <3 BIG BOY!” in comic sans. I’m not sure what that meant but you know what? Maybe that’s a good thing.

“Honestly, you can’t just steal my drink” the ripped girl said, shaking her head glaring down at, who I guess was Georgia. “But I’m thirsty! C’mon it’s just a sip”, she replied, slowly getting up from her hunch. “Fine. But leave me some of it, I can’t workout dehydrated”, strong girl agreed. Odd friendship, I thought, smiling slightly. I looked down, suddenly remembering where I had heard them from.

“They’re my fucking neighbours!” I quickly muttered in panic – shit what if they see me – I thought.

Thrusting my body up from the bench I had become so well acquainted with, I made sure not to forget my copy of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, the novel. I looked in the opposite direction of that little commotion and threw my feet afore me cause BOYO if they recognised me I would feel sick. They knew things about me I didn’t want the public knowing. What if they told someone? No. I didn’t have time to think about this.

Shoving my way past families, small children, some painfully spiky bushes I might’ve accidentally ran into, I pressed on; fast.

I tripped. I fell.

I don’t really know how much time passed until I came to, but let’s just say I hope it wasn’t more than a few seconds. You know, what actually woke me up was a loud yell – “YOU SPILLED ME POTATOES!” in an accent that I couldn’t really process at the time. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my rib. Ow – was I just kicked? “What the fuck…” I began, in almost a whisper.  
“I can’t believe you’d do that.” The oddly accented voice continued, “How am I supposed to finish me Sans cosplay without me snacks?”

Blinking my way back into the golden gleam set about the place, my eyes were met with a girl’s face above me. Purple, flowing hair cascaded down to her shoulders, her expression rife with a strange combination of sadness and anger. My eyes began to water from the shock. What was even happening?

“Erin, my lad, lay off. That’s my neighbour!” That voice returned – the one from before.  
“George? Didn’t know you were out here” the purple-haired girl, Erin, replied.  
“Ya lol I was bored,” she exclaimed, seeming to come closer. I still couldn’t fully sense what was going on. “Anyway leave them alone they make really good Guy Fieri remixes” OH NO – my thoughts overtook me – SHE HAS REVEALED MY DARKEST SECRET.

Blind to the world still, I clumsily jerked upright, leaping to make a run for it. I ran, and ran, and ran. I don’t even know which direction I was going but somehow, be it by coincidence or otherwise, I slammed straight into something strong, muscly. I landed right on my arse on the soft, green grass, then peered up. The ripped girl again. Boy, what a day this was becoming.

“Are you alright?” she asked with strange compassion, dropping a dumbbell from her right hand, to then extend it before me. It was a gentle-looking hand, an odd contrast to the strength the rest of her body reflected. “Um”, is all I uttered, honestly overwhelmed by everything happening. I ended up zoning out a bit. Just thinking. Thinking.

IRISH! That is what the accent was. Erin was Irish.

A large shadow cascaded over the park, turning the laughter and shouts of glee into mutters of concern. Staring at the now- darkened grass, I kept my head down, almost scared to look up. What could it even be? “Oh my God” I heard the girl let out.

What I next heard was the most awe-inducing sound I’d ever heard to that point. It was terrifying but compelling. It was the sound of a great creature, one I couldn’t have thought to even exist. The mighty roar, shriek, bellow; whatever you’d call it, of a being so beyond human comprehension. It was both a scream and a yell, both prideful and bitter. It was so great, so ineffable I physically am not able to put into words this mighty sound. Maybe I sound pretentious in saying that, but so be it. I can’t even come close to doing justice to this… marvel.

Looking up, I saw the yellowy-white belly of what I can only put to words as a dragon, wait a wyvern maybe. Actually I had – still have no idea. Its pink scales glided through the air as gracefully as a dancer would a stage, tail trailing behind, bladed with claws. The wings, oh how they propelled it with a power unlike anything I’d seen, strength unspeakable with each burst forward. The beauty of this ferocious creature almost outweighed its threat, its extended fang stretching from chin to great lengths before it. Each and every scale, claw, callous, on its deeply alluring surface was something to examine, to understand. This great beast’s greatest strength may have been other than its potential strength or power, but its purely enticing aesthetic appeal. I was just so overtaken by this great beast I was locked in place.

I couldn’t move. I had no words, no action. Nothing.

I felt a sudden jerk around my waist, my eyes quickly dead-set on the muddy floor beneath me. It was moving below me, wait no, I was moving. It was fast. Very fast. The floor’s colours changed rapidly, one second a deep brown, then a light green, unstopping.

“What the fuck is that” I could hear Erin’s distant Irish accent yell. She seemed unfazed.

“Quick! Get in here, I can drive” I heard next – if in reply I don’t know. Not but a second later, I was thrown into the backseat of a large jeep. Fortunately, the seats were pretty padded. Nice ride. I edged upright and looked about me. This car really is new. Unscathed black leather seats, shiny windows, that chemical scent of a factory fresh jeep. Well, this was unexpected. Soon, though, it was packed. Erin, Georgia, the strong girl who must’ve carried me here, and someone else – someone in the driver’s seat.

“Don’t worry you’re safe now”, the unfamiliar voice rang. I felt a sudden surge of relief, allowing my body to relax and sink into my seat. “What kinda jams do you have?” I heard Georgia ask, quickly followed by the stereo turning on.

Nothing – nothing but the Tom and Jerry theme. It repeated once, twice, three times, then it stopped, probably switched off. No one said anything. We just sat in silence from then until the engine switched on. Then we drove.

Within seconds we were already at, Christ, about 70mph and racing down the street. In the car we were thrown from left to right, up to down, all over the place. I couldn’t see anything going on outside, everything was just rushing by, faster than my heart was beating.

THUMP. I flew into the air.

SMASH. Back down again, hitting my head on the back seat.

CLANG. By now I didn’t even know where I was.

Then finally, CRASH! We had come to a stop. Lying there for a moment, I listened around me as I was too disoriented to see anything but a dark blur. Grumbles and mutters slowly arose, until the person who I’d yet to even see let out a hushed “oops”.

I dragged my body to a place that felt absent of anything else – perhaps an exit? Edging into what I was certain was the open I then let my body collapse onto the cool ground, hearing distant echoes of the beast from before. At a distance it didn’t sound so impressive. Lying there, I could feel my senses coming back, feel the world around me start making more sense.

“You ran over 12 fucking people!” Erin pierced through the sound of confusion.  
“Well,” the driver sighed quietly, “that’s one less than last time”.  
“What?!” Georgia spat out, clearly still disoriented seeming as if they didn’t hear more so than shocked at the statement. “Oh, nothing!” was soon replied back by that strange, strange, person.

Forcing my eyes from the deep grey ground, I attempted to get a look at where we were. Slowly coming into focus, I could see towering trees, deep green, overshadowing where we were. The black jeep was lodged in the middle of a small arch between one of the trees and a rock, its engine entangled by the sticks, leaves, and bushy plants about. Erin was already above us, standing in the middle of the slim road, back to us, looking over at the chaotic path we’d travelled down. There were so many things broken; the trees, fences, even people lying on the ground. Oh my God.

Their blood was seeping down the grey road, tainting it a deep, bitter red. The stream of this sick, just – foul, stuff, was everywhere. The origins of it, bodies, lying flat on the cold, hard, ground. They remained motionless, without action in the still forest. They seemed almost at peace in their passing. Some remained facing to the sky, as if daydreaming. Others, their faces full of terror, lay face down, heads turned mostly in our – my – direction. One in particular… his face was full of pure innocence. His eyebrows thin, but raised even in death, terrified. Mouth lying open, allowing his many chins to swamp beneath him, eyes gleaming with unattained potential. His nose, most prominent, was large and curved; imperfect yet not without charm. Before him lay large glasses, cracked in one frame. Suddenly I realised – I’d seen this man before.

“YOU KILLED DANNY DEVITO!” Georgia screamed. I thrust my head to her, my neck muscle aching as I did so. She stood there, one leg drenched in her own thick blood, broken, maybe. To hold her body up, she rest her right arm on the back of the dark jeep, clenching it so dearly her hand went white. The shirt was so confused by from earlier stained with a disturbing mix of blood, mud, and sweat. Looking to her face, I couldn’t read all the emotions she was feeling, all I could tell was she was not happy; maybe angry? Or sad? Hell, I had no idea. She closed her eyes, shaking her head, and looked to the floor. “How am I ever gonna explain this to Julie… she…” Georgia put her left hand to her face, cradling her temple. “She loved him”, finishing with a further tightening of her clench on the car’s side.

“Cool story but,” Cassie cut in, wiping what little dirt she had accumulated on her olive shirt, “who are you?” she locked her eyes on the driver, still getting out the jeep. They barely looked scathed. “I… um…” they began, brushing their messy hair from their perplexed face. “I’m Mango”, they cheerfully exclaimed, altering their entire demeanour, even letting out a smile. What a weirdo.

“We don’t have time for this, gaylords”, Erin yelled out. “Get your asses in gear we gotta get to safety, that… uh… dragon thing seems to have a pack behind it”. Hastily, she rushed over to Georgia, throwing her over her shoulders. Cassie responded to this by doing the same to me, given I was still lying on the floor.

“I know the perfect place”, Cassie smirked.


	2. The Rise of Jar Jar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a long slumber I peered my eyes open at a ceiling of pristine grey steel. Sounds of distant crashes of waves against something were backing to the cheers and laughter somewhere close. Unmoving, I took in a deep breath, inhaling scents of – oh my God is that weed?
> 
> The truth behind the horrors known are revealed -- the villain of it all.

After a long slumber I peered my eyes open at a ceiling of pristine grey steel. Sounds of distant crashes of waves against something were backing to the cheers and laughter somewhere close. Unmoving, I took in a deep breath, inhaling scents of – oh my God is that weed?

I pulled my body upright on the stiff bed I had been lying on. Looking around, I noted that I was in a small room, walls painted a calm navy. My bed was in pushed to the corner, only a desk to my left, on which lay an ashtray, a few sterile bandages, and medical apparatus. The door was at the end of the room, in the direction I was facing; no handles, must open by sensing movement. Looking down I let out a sigh, no idea of how I got here. Must’ve passed out on the way here I guess.

Soon enough the door sprung open. Behind it was a small guy, dressed in pretty dark clothes, his hair black as night; an emo. “You’re awake?” he said, trudging in, reaching for his dark jean pocket.  
“Where am I?” I asked. Analysing his movements, I watched him come over, taking a seat on the edge of my bed. He quickly pulled something out of his pocket and set it alight. He locked eye contact with me, his eyebrows creasing together, “you’re in the middle of the Atlantic ocean,” replying whilst setting what he pulled out on his lips – a blunt. Continuing, “this is what we call ladland”, winking at me, whilst he inhaled and blew out a fog of smoke. “I’m Cameron, your doctor here”, he said with a smirk, looking at me. “But I have a lot to fill you in on”, he turned away and stood up. “It all began a century ago; this war, I mean”.  
“War?” I had no idea what the fuck he was going on about.  
“Yeah. You know the whole shit with those dragons?”  
“That was about a war?”  
“It’s been kinda hidden from the public, but yeah lol.”

He turned to me, taking in another long puff of his blunt. Exhaling, he seemed to suggest that this was going to take a while. “It was a kinder time back then, 100 years ago. Not that I know I’m only fucking 16 but…”

*****

It was a cloudless day, the blue sky calming all onlookers. The bright sun’s warm touch eased all tensions that were feared to rise on this life changing day. Sorey picked at the flowers below the large oak porch of the grand castle, belonging to Shrek VII. He giggled, looking to the pond below him, remembering that time Mikleo fell in. Looking to the ripples in the water, Sorey began to feel tired, resting his messy brown hair on the soft grass below him. ‘Where is Wayley’, he thought, pulling out a photograph.

On it, Wayley Hilliams, a small blue tit bird, known as the Great Tit, perched on Sorey’s shoulder. Sorey, a green eyed boy with the largest smile as always, had his arm around Mikleo, the slightly less enthusiastic white haired anime boy, slyly grinning. “I hope she’s alright”, Sorey murmured, deeply staring into the photo.

Burying it back into his pocket he angled up into being sat on the warm grass, to then push himself up into a run up to the elegant porch, covered in the brightest red statues. “Has she arrived yet?” Sorey yelled, perhaps a bit too hopeful. He was met with silence, nothing but shaking heads; no one had seen her.

Pulling up his seat on the elongated table, Sorey slumped down and rested his head in his arms.

Things were still for maybe 5 minutes, maybe 50, it didn’t really matter by this point. A sudden feeling of unease awoke within the impatient peace conference talkers, having expected to have started long before, when two intimidating birdmen arrived on the scene, wearing the colours of the Great Tit’s elite guard – red and white – only entrusted to her personal bodyguards. They were panting, clearly flying for an extended period.

“Our Great Tit…” one began with a voice of sorrow, “she is…” he hesitated, burying his beak into his rouge wing. “She has,” started the other, golden, bird, sensing her brethren’s distress, “passed.”

Silence. No one spoke. No one even moved. The Great Tit was dead.

“This can’t be”, Sorey blurt out, killing the privation of sound. Hastily kicking his chair back, he slammed his right hand on the table. “I… what – what happened?” he said with an unstable tone, his eyebrows raising as he begged for an answer. The golden bird set her eyes on his, “earlier today, before we left she –” her feathers rippled in the wind’s stride as she paused, “she had complained of a dire stomach ache after morning feed”. Everyone knew where this nightmarish tale was going, but it was yet continued, “our Tittiness refused to cancel the peace talks and chose to fly over nonetheless, but…” the rouge bird put his wing to his companion’s back as if a sign that she could stop as he continued for her, “we believe it was poisoning. We’ve no evidence as of yet, but as she fell in the air, her symptoms were identical to that of avicide.”

Sorey fell back into his chair, his eyes watering. ‘What kind of monster would do this?’ he questioned himself. Then he knew it – he knew who did it. “Jar Jar…” he muttered. Shrek VII overheard this, “laddie, what was that?” his deep voice rang as he leaned to Sorey’s direction from his high throne.  
“Jar Jar Binks… he hates her. He wants this world to fall. Ever since she beat him in the election”, with this a slight murmur arose on the conference porch, quickly enough erupting into a full argument.

“YOUSA RIGHT, SOREY”, high, bitter tone echoed about the place.  
“Show yerself!” Shrek commanded, standing up, throwing his arm forward.

A disturbing laughter filled the air as a black robed figure materialised in the air above everyone. A hand appeared out of one of the dark baggy sleeved, revealing four wrinkly fingers, tinted brownish-cream. This hand grasped at the hood, to reveal the most disturbing face ever to exist. A long, hairless camel-like face appeared, with flappy ears as long as his arms. His two yellow eyes stuck out atop his disturbing head and peered about at the crowd, fixating on Shrek.

“FEEL MEESA WRAITH, SHREKSY”, and with that horrendous statement, a shock of lightning extended out of Jar Jar’s bony fingers, striking down the large Ogre in mere seconds. The saddening growl let out in his last breath was so bloodcurdling, ever single glass on the giant table smashed. Then, the green man’s massive body collapsed.

“NO!” Sorey yelled, unsheathing his bronze and gold shortsword, only to pounce into the air and aim straight for Jar Jar’s head, then to be smacked back and into the ground with a single swoop of the foul thing’s arm. “MEESA SITH LORD JAR JAR. AND FROM DIS DAY ON – THE WORLD WILL BECUME MINE!” with this final, despicable claim, the beast vanished, leaving a thick black fog in the air.

What was to be a day of peace, became a day of pure hatred and bitter resentment. From then on, tensions between all countries across the globe rose, war began, yet subtle. A century long cold war, until of course summer 1989, in which Rathians, foul dragon-like creatures were sent to several places about the world, the origin not yet known. Perhaps it was Jar Jar himself – his next move.

*****

“So you see”, Cameron continued, putting his blunt out on the ashtray, “there’s always been a war, even if most didn’t know of it. That day was never reported beyond those who witnessed it,” he crossed his arms and looked to the floor, his thick black hair hanging down, “the official reason for their deaths was the Great Tit dying of eating an off birdseed, and Shrek being struck by a stray lightning bolt.”

He span around. “Come on, you have to meet us all”, he said, giving me a big smile.


	3. Metal Gear FABBY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following Cameron, I strode into a large, open room. “What the fuck? You guys vaped without me?” Cameron yelled ahead. I took this moment to take in where I was, still confused how I was in the middle of this ocean. Large, metallic beams held up a flat ceiling at least two stories above. The walls were painted a faint red, covered in many pictures, varying from realism paintings of some strange white-haired man with a beard, with a scar over his eye, to photographs of large families. Kinda sweet really, these people had really built a home for themselves.
> 
> Intro of the USDF, and the true horrors become known.

Following Cameron, I strode into a large, open room. “What the fuck? You guys vaped without me?” Cameron yelled ahead. I took this moment to take in where I was, still confused how I was in the middle of this ocean. Large, metallic beams held up a flat ceiling at least two stories above. The walls were painted a faint red, covered in many pictures, varying from realism paintings of some strange white-haired man with a beard, with a scar over his eye, to photographs of large families. Kinda sweet really, these people had really built a home for themselves.

I saw Cameron walk in the direction of a group of four people, one of whom was Georgia. She and the other three were all sat on a large chocolate-tinted leather sofa. One, a girl, with dark hair and glasses, wore a shirt with an anime girl doing certain things I don’t really want to explain on it, and seemed to keep yelling random things about either weed or something else that I don’t want to explain either. Another, with similarly dark hair wore a military-esque officer’s cap and had a habbo shirt on for some reason.

“Who’s that”, a deep American voice yelled. This voice came exactly from the final person Cameron was talking to. It belonged to a nerdy looking guy with a backwards cap that said ‘fuk u michael bay’ on. He had short and thick black hair underneath it, dressed fully in a My Little Pony jumpsuit. “Oh yeah, no one even knows your name yet”, I heard as I felt a hand on my shoulder – Cassie again.  
“Oh,” I started, looking at everyone around me.

“My name is Lit”, I said. Quickly, everyone was bursting out in laughter. I didn’t know what to do, were they laughing with me? At me? Shit. 

“It’s LIT!” the girl in the habbo shirt yelled, chuckling. Oh my god, is this what it was about? Christ. You know what I wasn’t even angry, I was just disappointed. “Yeah yeah,” I murmured, looking to the steel-plated ground, “who are you people anyway?” Still laughing I was met with a response from the habbo shirt girl, “Welcome to the USDF!” I looked up, confused.  
“The USDF?” Asking her, I furrowed my brow.  
“United Secretive Defense Force – we defend the people without them knowing”, she said shifting her tone from joking around to formal in an instant. “I’m Charlie, commanding officer of all operations on ladland”, she said, gesturing to herself. Then pointing to the girl with glasses and the, uh, anime shirt, “this is Julie”; moving her finger to the American in the jumpsuit, “and this is Brandon”. She then turned to face me again, “I believe you’ve already met Georgia and Cam”, and with that she went back to a more casual demeanour.

“Right. So the USD-whatever is to fight the dragons?” I asked, folding my arms and raising my eyebrows. “No you fucking idiot, we protect people”, Julie yelled across to me, “dragons are just part of that”.  
“I’m pretty sure that’s what she was getting at Julie”, Brandon argued, nudging her in the shoulder.   
“What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.” Julie replied, somehow by heart.

“Shut the fuck up”, Cameron shouted, throwing a half-rolled blunt in Julie’s face.  
“Calm down”, Brandon sighed, boy he must be used to this shit. Standing up, he picked the blunt up and threw it at me. “You’re gonna have to get used to this shit”, he said with a smile. Dammit, is everyone here like this? Just standing there, I suddenly questioned – how the fuck are these people protecting civilians?

Ignoring my question, I instead asked where Mango and Erin where, for Cassie to reply, “Oh, Erin is training some new recruits – you should stop by her cause you’re new here, and Mango, they told us that they were good with machines, so they’re helping on our new and advanced weapon.”  
“Ooooh, sounds cool”, replying, I wondered what this ‘new and advanced’ weapon could be. “Where should I go to find Erin then?”  
“I can take you!” Charlie’s voice rang out of her little crowd.  
“Oh, sure. Thanks”, I replied, nodding at Charlie as to leave. She quickly jumped up and told me to follow her, seemingly chuffed that she was able to tell me about everything.

Leading out of the chaotic room, Charlie lead me down several similar looking halls, varying in basic colours with a few windows on the way. “Oh!” I started, “we’re on one of those, um, things that is built in the ocean”, staring out the window to the rich blue ocean, “you know like those places that mine for oil”. Charlie smiled at me, “yeah the term is offshore plant”, then she peered out the window with me, almost ensnared by the beauty of the waters below. After a brief moment of silence, staring out to sea, Charlie broke from her glare to go one to say, “Anyway, Erin should be just through the second door on the left. Have fun!” she said. Then she broke back into her more casual tone to see me off with “you memey fuck”. Strange girl.

I wandered into Erin’s tomb, hearing nothing but Irish yells. “And what do you do when a bastard tries to hit ya?” I heard echo in the dark room, looking forward to see where everyone was, “you beat him the fuck up”, she finished. I found her, she was off in the corner, surrounded by just two recruits. “Now, show me what you can do – Orla, throw one at Milan”, one of them then launched a fist to the other’s face, for the latter to lodge their body underneath, who I’m assuming, was Orla, to then fling them over his shoulder, landing on the floor.

Erin laughed, then noticed me off in the distance. “Nice one you assholes, practise that whilst I see to this sorry excuse for a soldier”, she said flinging herself off the crate she was stood on. Milan, who I could now see had dark hair and hipster glasses on, mumbled something about the Eurovision song contest – why? – and Orla, sighing and calling Erin a twat, dodged Milan’s incoming attack.

“A soldier? Since when was I—” Erin cut me off,  
“You are one now, dumbass”, she threw at me, honestly what kinda person is she? Then, surprise surprise, she also threw a literal fist at me. I ducked out of the way, and Erin looked somewhat impressed, “see what I mean,” smirking, “a soldier”.

After about two hours of training with Erin, she then explained to me what this new weapon was. She said she probably wasn’t supposed to tell me, but also that she didn’t care anyway. So, the USDF was set up following the death of the Great Tit and Shrek VII in order to keep peace, something somewhat lacking since Sith Lord Jar Jar began terrorising people. A large focus was to keep the average person safe, to prevent harm to come to innocents. In order for this to work, however, the USDF needed to be threatening, even if it was secret – the threat was that there was something, even if not fully known by Jar Jar and potential warmongers, to retaliate and protect. Therefore, weapons were needed.

Here’s the kicker: the new advanced weapon is called Metal Gear FABBY. This bipedal weapon, armed with nukes of all, is the ultimate deterrent. It is made for threat and that alone, but it can also do everything it claims, launching nuclear missiles at any target with the mere push of a button. It must be protected and cannot be underestimated as a weapon, lest it fall into the wrong hands.

“Wow, thanks for trusting me with all this, Erin”, I said, genuinely thankful that she could tell someone she just met all of this. “I don’t”, she replied sharply.  
“Oh.” I didn’t really know what to say to that.

After that, I left to go see what Mango was up to. Erin told Orla and Milan to go with me “in case I get lost”, boy she wasn’t joking about a lack of trust – can’t even assume I’ll find my way. We head on through the long halls again, making some idle chat until, that is, the radio about the base started playing ABBA. Within seconds, Milan had launched into full chorus, “You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen”, he sang, head banging even though that was probably out of place. “You twat, you’re meant to be a role model for Lit”, they muttered.  
“jdi do píči”, he replied, still dancing – holy shit.

We reached the research and development room, bright orange but just as samey as the rest of ladland. The only thing that was notable different was the giant mecha-looking machine, which was what I guessed was Metal Gear FABBY. It was pretty intricate, large metal plates covered complex wiring, a combination of colours; red, green, blue, and so on. It looked as if it could be manned – a single person to drive it in its… head, is it? 

“Hello?” I shouted, the whole room seeming devoid of people, save for Milan, Orla, and me.

Suddenly FABBY started moving – what the fuck? What is going on? Holy shit I didn’t know what to do. Again, I was frozen, locked in fear. I could feel my heart beating but it didn’t help me move.

A horrible laughter emanated through the room, echoing back, only worsening the sound. “You idiots!” that voice –  
“Mango?” I yelled, still frozen in place.  
“Yes… Mango. That name I chose.” The laughter was only getting more and more bitter, intensifying as it went on. “What the hell are you talking about you wanker?” Orla yelled, running into the middle of the room as if to face FABBY head on. They pulled a gun from a holster tied to their leg, aiming it right at the mecha’s head.

Slowly, the head of FABBY opened, revealing Mango, with a very sly expression on their face. Mango stood up, laughing still, and a laughter that just did not seem to fit them. It was far fouler, far harsher than any sound you could’ve thought would escape the mouth of one who looked so human. “My name – no it is not Mango.” Their smile grew as they leaned their head down, glaring right at Orla. My – Meesa name is not Mango at all”, they said their face suddenly distorting; changing shape, form.

Their nose grew in length, ears fell to their side, and eyes formed up atop their head. “MEESA NAME IS JAR JAR”, they – it was not Mango. Not at all. “SITH LORD JAR JAR.” Mango was a ruse. This whole time.

“Take this, you piece of shit”, Orla yelled, trying to fire at him. “Fuck! Why won’t it shoot?”  
“SAFETEE’S ON, STOOPID”, and with a click of his finger, lightning flew from his veiny fingers, right down onto Orla, frying them right there. His smile at that moment was enough to kill, Orla had no chance. Their body collapsed, charred.

“WHOOSA NEXT?” Jar Jar yelled, glaring over to Milan and me.  
“Holy shit,” Milan let out, shoving me out through the door, “I can’t die now –” suddenly, another shock of lightning was let out, killing him instantly.

Again, I found myself surrounded by death, by corpses. Milan, his eyes, they stared to me through his burned, now coal black skin. Bloodshot, behind his cracked frames. His mouth was sealed, as if cemented by his burnt flesh. Looking down, I could see remainders of his plain shirt, blackened from the pure faded orange from before. He lay with nothing left to him. Nothing but being the empty shell of a man once so human. Just a second ago there was so much life to him, minutes before he was dancing with maybe a little too much enthusiasm. Now, he was motionless. Lifeless.

Snapping out of it, I couldn’t die here. I threw my body up, breaking myself from that depressed void, one which shouldn’t belong to me; at least not now. I ran, and ran, and ran. I ran so far I could feel my throat becoming as dry as Cassie’s puns.

SLAM. I landed on my arse.

“You alright, man?” I heard, in that deep voice. Brandon. I looked up to him, same as before, but now wearing a dark brown fedora with a pink ribbon laced around its rim. He extended an arm down to me, to which I grabbed it to be pulled up. I realised how sweaty I was, quickly wiping my palms across my old shirt.

“Jar Jar,” I whispered, looking to the floor. I couldn’t see his face, but I could just tell Brandon’s expression changed so drastically. “No…” he began. He knew what I meant? Holy shit it must’ve meant a lot. “We gotta go tell everyone”, he said, grabbing my wrist and pulling me off back to the large red room we were in earlier.

First thing I heard was a loud, unbearable cry. Its volume was greater than any sound I’d heard to protrude from anyone before. “Fuck off Julie”, Brandon shouted, striding into the room, tipping his fedora as he entered. “DADDY DEVITO IS DEAD!” Julie yelled, somehow without pausing her horrendous cry. “Who the hell told her?” panicked Brandon, glaring across the room.  
“Oops”, Georgia whispered, looking away from the crime scene.  
“Don’t you guys think there’s a bigger issue at hand?” I interrupted, waving my arms about. Everyone looked at me, Brandon then taking in a deep breath. “He has returned,” he began, suddenly interrupted by a large crash in the distance, “GET OUT OF MY SWAMP”, I then heard, played over the radio, from who must’ve been Charlie. She must’ve seen Jar Jar escaping and sent that over the base’s communication. “But he took FABBY with him” I finished.

“Holy shit,” Julie yelled, switching out of her depressed tone extremely fast. “We gotta go after that anus-face”  
“NO!” a distant British voice yelled. For a second I felt I’d heard it before, not sure where from though. Within a second, a girl I wasn’t acquainted with yet appeared before me. Holy shit – Lara Croft? Her long brunette hair, tied up behind, cascaded down in the most perfect waves imaginable. A shocked expression, yet still more beautiful than any face I’d seen before, told that she was experienced in life-threatening situations.

Breaking the trance I was caught in just looking at her, she continued, “we can’t just chase him down, he’s too powerful”, she said, shaking her head. “He may cause us more pain, but we simply can’t risk all of our lives now”. We all remained in silence.  
“Fuck that,” Julie said, jumping off the sofa and running for it out the room.

We all ran to a window, as Julie managed to quickly get outside. She yelled, “COME AND FACE ME, FUCKLORD”, opening her arms out with the largest smile imaginable. In the distance, FABBY turned around, to face her. “YOUSA SURE ABUT THAT?” Emanated from the metallic beast.  
“Fight,” she paused, “me.”

Julie jumped in the air as high as an anime protagonist, flying off to FABBY, yelling “this is for DADDY DEVITO!” to land smack bang on the mecha’s head. Screaming, she tore a hole into its shell.

Jar Jar jumped his way out, onto the platform Julie was stood, fists out, prepared to battle. She launched at him, “YOU FUCKING PUSSY”. Jar Jar dodged her, laughing that bitter laugh. He continued dodging every punch she threw at him – until she pulled a knife – “I’LL CUT YOU”.

With a single swipe, Jar Jar had lost both arms. “FACK”, he yelled, in intense pain. “YOUSE REGRETTA THAT”, he replied with a glare lethal in its own right. He torpedoed himself into her, head-butting her off the mecha.

“NOOOOOO!” this sound was vocalised by everyone in the room with me, Charlie over the radio yelling “FUCK YOU!”

As her body plummeted into the ocean, I could see her put her middle finger up to Jar Jar, then her body went flat as she impacted with the sea. No one would’ve survived that.

Julie had gone. She left the world trying to avenge her one true love, Danny DeVito. I’m sorry I was too weak to help.


	4. Big Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five months have passed since Julie passed on. A service was held for her within a week of her demise, and even though I hardly knew her, I could tell. She wasn’t all bad. I feel sorry for those who knew her well though – Cameron has been vaping at least four times a day since, Brandon has refused to watch My Little Pony; his only true joy in life, and Charlie, she hasn’t even taken a second off her work. Georgia, I haven’t even seen her in a while, she’s been working so frequently in the mapping room to track Jar Jar down. The others weren’t as close to her.
> 
> A USDF member hasn't the memes to survive, but the hero to save everyone becomes known

Five months have passed since Julie passed on. A service was held for her within a week of her demise, and even though I hardly knew her, I could tell. She wasn’t all bad. I feel sorry for those who knew her well though – Cameron has been vaping at least four times a day since, Brandon has refused to watch My Little Pony; his only true joy in life, and Charlie, she hasn’t even taken a second off her work. Georgia, I haven’t even seen her in a while, she’s been working so frequently in the mapping room to track Jar Jar down. The others weren’t as close to her.

It turned out Jar Jar just wanted to infiltrate the USDF in order to steal FABBY, the supreme Metal Gear under the alias Mango. Well, it worked.

Cassie sat next to me on the large sofa of the red room, letting out a deep sigh. “Something wrong?” I asked. She looked at me, “not really”, she let out. Putting her hand to her temples, she said, “Lara’s been acting up”, in a hushed tone.  
“Your girlfriend?” I asked, confused about what could’ve happened all of a sudden.  
“Yeah. She devastated, something about meme production” she replied, throwing her head down to the side. “You see, Jar Jar has taken out the memes now. Lara was good friends with the meme founder™, who was murdered last night,” Cassie stood up, clenching her fists, “she’s devastated. I don’t know what to do”  
“But aren’t memes also vital for society’s morale? This is bigger than one man”, I replied, losing myself as I sat there. Things are bad and are only getting worse. “I know. Trust me, I do,” Cassie said, tearing up now. “He’s just,” she punched at the thin air, “ruined everything.”

We are all devastated. War across the globe was now inevitable – Jar Jar had started a war, indirectly many others. Without memes, god, war is going to make itself present everywhere. No one will be safe, no one stable.

Cameron suddenly burst into the room, yelling “Come with me, please!” to which Cassie launched forward with Brandon asking what the matter was. “I don’t know”, is all he replied, waving his hand for us to follow. We rushed down the corridor until we got to the med bay, and entered a room alike the one I had awoken in when I arrived at ladland.

As I entered, a thorough chill spread through my body. There she was, lying almost unconscious on a bed. The life she was so used to embracing seemed to be slipping away from her. “Erin?” I walked over, unsure what was going on. She slowly dragged her head to her left to look at me, with a fatigued expression. She said nothing.

Cassie shoved me out the way, “oh my god – I forgot,” leaning over where Erin lay, “you can’t survive without a stable supply of memes…”  
“For fucks… sake”, a wispy Irish voice said. Her eyes closed, and soon after Georgia came running in, throwing me further back. “Erin you twat, you can’t go… not – not after Julie!” she spat out, tears streaming down her face. Erin laughed, well with as much of what as should could, “yeah… how will,” she coughed, “how will you live without me”, smiling faintly.  
“Erin!” Cassie blurted out, clasping the bed railing.  
“No… no…” Georgia looked away, unable to take in what was happening.

Slowly Erin closed her eyes, her last words; “tell Rianna to fuck off”, and her head slammed on the pillow, dead.

No one said anything. No one moved. Erin’s lifelessness was like a disease, spreading itself around the room into everyone. After a moment, Georgia walked out the room without a word, followed suit by Cassie. Cameron stood there, looking down, grasping deeply into his pocket to pull out a blunt. Brandon whispered “fuck” and left.

Standing there, I quietly mumbled to Erin, “I will avenge you”, and stumbled out of the room, trying to keep myself composed. I was still unused to all this death and suffering. Jar Jar had to pay for this.

Walking back into the room we most often stayed in, there was a certain feeling about the place. A feeling of dread, of fear and sadness. We’ve felt nothing but loss. And the worst part is – Erin wasn’t the only one reliant on memes. Everyone was. But the rate at which we suffered from their privation was varied on each and every person, Erin was just one of the unlucky few who needed them the most.

“Mr. Fieri,” I heard call from the radios, “you are needed in the common room”. Fieri? The Fieri? Not a moment later, I heard a distant “We’re Riding the Bus to Flavourtown!” slowly getting louder until he – the man with pure white bleached hair walked in. Holy shit. “Wazzup, my dudes?” He yelled. I covered my face with one of the pillows on the sofa – oh fuck what if he knows me for my Fieri remixes. “This is Guy Fieri”, the cheery voice of Charlie arose from behind him, a beaming smile juxtaposing the current dreary atmosphere, “he’s here to help keep morale up, and he can cook a tasty whopper too!” she said, winking at the word whopper. Switching back into her casual mode, she yelled something about sucking dick that I didn’t really hear, I was too focused on the fact that he was here. My hero. The legend himself.

I actually had a panic attack and ended up in the med bay again. When I woke up, I saw Brandon next to me, crying. This time he was wearing a rainbow beanie. Christ, how many hats does he have? I asked him, “what’s wrong”, only for him to reply  
“Michael Bay sent me hate,” looking at me then raising his eyebrows, “oh also I was worried about you yeah…” getting up, he told me about how Guy Fieri actually liked my remixes and wanted to talk to me about me getting a record deal wow nice.

“HOLY FUCK GUYS GET ON THE COMMAND DECK”, Cassie yelled, over the radio. Weird, it was normally just Charlie who used that. I was feeling less light headed by this point, so I slip out of the bedsheets and ran down the halls with Brandon ahead of me.

Reaching the deck, I looked around at the open space, the sun setting, leaving a gentle orange tinge over the grey metallic expanse. Afar, I could see calm waves, fresh blue, just dancing in the wind. Taking a deep breath in, I smelled the salty sea, and cooking burgers – probably Guy Fieri at it in the kitchen. Then, my eyes locked onto him. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my entire life, his wavy brown hair falling over his face, half concealed by a beautifully-tailored leather eyepatch. His beard was untrimmed, but of natural beauty, slightly brushing by in the fresh air’s force. He had a face that, even if scowling, radiated a warm feeling, like he cared, and that you could care for him even if you’d only just met him. I jogged over to the commotion surrounding him.

“MY BIG BOY!” Georgia yelled, launching her arms around him, followed suit by Cassie tearing up as she held on to his arm, mumbling “beautiful boy”. His deep, raspy voice, made itself known as he murmured “Get the fuck off me”. Throwing them both back, he looked both confused and weirded out.

“He’s the answer…” Charlie began, as she dropped her officer’s cap from holding it onto the floor. “He’s the solution!”  
“I’m the what now?” the man responded. I couldn’t help but glare at his perfect face more, every scratch and scar upon it seeming as if they added more to him, more than could be put into words. “I’m in love” I murmured, suddenly furrowing my eyebrows realising what the fuck I just said.

“We just need to explain to him the situation,” Georgia started, waving her arms about, “and I can guarantee he will stop this all.” Everyone nodded in agreement, a strange feeling told me she was right. Big Boss would save us. Wait… how did I even know his name? I briefly questioned it but then I realised, some things just don’t have answers.

“We need to prepare,” Brandon said, “for a final confrontation with that sick monster”. We all knew it. The time was coming. Jar Jar must be stopped at all costs.


	5. The End lol fuck you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We were ready. Charlie had tracked down Jar Jar’s exact location; Ireland. Funny, huh? Erin dies and Jar Jar steals her homeland. What a sick man – thing even. We were armed to the teeth, prepared for whatever battle we would have in store.
> 
> The end is nigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is utter shite sorry, when I first wrote this I just got tired and didn't actually bother.  
> I mean, I doubt anyone's read this far, but if enough people ask I could rewrite the end for a better ending (that one would become canon lol)

We were ready. Charlie had tracked down Jar Jar’s exact location; Ireland. Funny, huh? Erin dies and Jar Jar steals her homeland. What a sick man – thing even. We were armed to the teeth, prepared for whatever battle we would have in store.

Arriving on the land famous for leprechauns, we looked about. It was vanquished in its entirety, each and every building rubble. Death bodies carpeted the streets, their blood cleansing the land of its fertile potato crops. “Damn,” Georgia said, “Erin would hate to see her motherland like this”, shaking her head. We were dropped off from the helicopter, and split into two groups; Brandon, Charlie, Georgia, and Cameron, then Cassie, Lara, Big Boss, and me.

Splitting off, we went in different directions. It was pretty awkward being the third wheeler to Cassie and Lara fucking gay losers but whatever, I guess Big Boss was there as well but he didn’t say much. We managed to make our way to the top of a giant building, but only with care as we didn’t want to fall underneath its crumbling supports. That was when we saw it – saw them. The other group were walking straight into a trap, a lava pit! “Watch out,” Lara yelled at the top of her voice, yet to no avail.

One by one, each of them stood on the pressure plate, the grotesque, black plate, which once activated by their weight, dropped them. We saw them, all of them, fall into the trap. They all went at once. Their skin burned in the lava, hearing only distant screams of each of them. They screamed, and in turn so did we. Their pain was felt by all of us. Holy shit why is this happening? My eyes started watering, tears slipping down my sweaty cheeks. “NO!” I yelled, knowing it’d change nothing. Brandon was gone, Georgia was gone, Charlie was gone, Cameron – gone. All of them, no survivors. Still overwhelmed at all the loss going on I started having another panic attack.

I fell to the floor, screaming. This was a bad, bad thing to do. Within seconds, Jar Jar, now armless, materialised before us in FABBY. I was still shaking on the floor, whilst Lara and Cassie pulled out their guns on the large mecha.

As the bitter, foul laughter belonging to the beast arose once again, the front opened, revealing Jar Jar himself. “YOUSA GOWIN DOWN”, he said, grinning at all of us. Cassie and Lara opened fire onto him, but he deflected the bullets with an invisible shield, ricocheting them back at the two girls – right between their eyes. Now all that was left was me, lying on the floor panicking, and Big Boss, stoic as ever.

Jar Jar took one look at Big Boss, then stopped. At that one moment the world regained peace. Jar Jar stopped FABBY, shutting it down, just ensnared by Big Boss’ beauty. “BEAOOTIFUL BOY”, he said, leaving a gap for me to force myself into grasping the now-dead Cassie’s weapon, and pull the trigger right to Jar Jar’s heart. It was over.

With that, we were free. The wars were over. But little did we know, Jar Jar was a vital piece in the jigsaw of the world. He kept the world’s balance, a necessary evil, if you will. Seconds after his corpse flopped out of FABBY, the sun imploded, killing everyone left alive, including Big Boss and myself.

Nothing is left. Nothing at all. Just the fact this happened was enough.


End file.
